substack: OctoJo Day 18

This is repost from my substack, which, if you’re not aware, I left due to its friendliness to transphobic creators.

i was going to make another update video instead but my ring light + tripod broke, which felt like another stick on the failure pile this week. but no! let’s reorient that thinking. now i have an excuse to go on lazada and properly refresh my a/v setup for my work station. which leaves my clearly visible bed, but i think i’m gonna get started on that massive blanket project then or something similar, that i can clip over my bookshelf as needed (i got the collapsible photo backdrop screens + frame setup, but it’s bothersome to do so regularly for my personality and my lack of height.)

also, the week/end hasn’t really been a total failure. work-wise i had a highpoint in the mid-week in terms of my personal achievement and then it completely crashed for the rest of the week as the covid-19 cases were climbing. also my new silicone moulds arrived, and i let myself be seduced into trying them out, which was how i ushered in the weekend with some absolute failure pots (i’m trying to make container candles, starting from the container itself), and so i rebroke them and soaked them in water, which was too successful in producing fine silt (ie TOO much water despite my filtering them) so subsequent pots took way too long, AND i tried mordanting my wooden wicks, except i got the borax:salt:water ratio largely wrong, and that was how i slept at 4am feeling absolutely gutted about it all.

but i woke up saturday with the resolve not to fall further into the sunken cost fallacy. it’s okay to start from scratch again – i don’t have any deadlines on this; i’ve got more clay & plaster powders; and at least i know what i did wrong. and maybe those wicks were still sufficiently made flame retardant – so i remelted enough of the last batch to make a test candle, before rushing off to my psych appointment, and pats to myself, for prepping my nasi lemak to eat in the car. which, uh, i had to do, since i was taking so long with the candle (because i woke up around 9ish). and i wasn’t even late!

i was trying to explain to my psych about it though, since i was having a check-in this weekend as part of my meds re-up, where my fundamental emotion from young has always been anger and spite (is this surprising to people? i don’t think so. it’s not unnnnn-possible to be full of rage and be an optimistic smiley easily-amused bitch!), that spite insomnia is totally a thing. you know, u haven’t quite finished a thing u wanted to get done, so u put off sleep. but i think it’s part of my adhd – emotions run hot, and i have too many thoughts. in any case, i brought up my interest in exploring some kind of counselling because the work motivation thing is truly kicking my ass (and truly i’m blessed to have been able to get away with it for so long), and he suggested that i’m looking for some behavioural therapists with a view on adhd coaching, since other than this neuro condition, i don’t particularly exhibit any particularly urgent condition, which i agreed (well, of course i did, i went into the conversation thinking so). he’s still advising me to consider increasing my dosage on more taxing days, so he’s given me extra as well.

all well and good, but private mental health services truly does a chokehold on your finances, since it’s still stigmatised enough i don’t dare to explore claiming it on my work insurance (i’ve checked on my personal one and it’s not covered per se). but i’m taking notes internally myself, since who knows, i might have to explore other options too. in any case, i got an appointment for another therapist as well. i think i need an additional accountability partner, but not a friend, because no, i don’t want to.

i spilled coffee on my way out, so that wasn’t helping my tetchines. but you know, i went home, i hung out with my friends for our weekly zoom, i did more pots, with varying levels of beauty, and i even managed to salvage some of that silt, since it was drying out enough to be workable clay. sure, air selangor had another massive accident (burst pipe this time) so we had no water from the evening onwards, but we did have enough warning, and i did manage a shower.

and the mordanted wicks work! i’m so delighted, you have no idea. so i made a fresh batch of candles – which meant i even cut and trimmed the wood pieces to size, including the bases – and i even ordered additional moulds (these are quartz-shaped, quite unusual and probably won’t be restocked once the batch runs out), and my bestie bought me coffee for my birthday. and i got it all settled before 9pm, and now i even managed to put in some duolingo practice. and you know what, before that, i got namechecked in a fic rec list at the start of the weekend, so i got a couple of kudos coming my way. and trixie & katya has a new netflix react installment out, and horlicks is back to sleeping in my bed (clearly all is forgiven in the case of the lopped off testes).

outside tho, the case numbers have not really been improving, it’s been hovering in the 550-800 range (with outlier days of course), and Sabah being on a critical upward trend. there’s a lot i want to say, but i also want to go scheme about this backdrop idea, and besides other people have already done their say. my bro and i had another lively debate, while i was eating the cakes he and his wife got me for my birthday, over life in the new normal. we essentially agree in the major stuff though he’s got a reflexive dislike over discourse if it hits a certain temperature. but it’s fine, because i like arguing and i wasn’t wrong anyway. (oh he hates that attitude, but it’s an evidence-based flex)


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